Ok, it’s been a while. It’s time for another one of my rants. This one, is one that I have had for years, but because of the recent (ok, four years ago end of March) contraction of HIV, it has not been such a hot topic for me. Lately though, I have run into someone who has awoken in me a long lost desire…and the thing that I have been telling myself for the last three days is rather infuriating. I keep saying to myself, “NO! Don’t do it again!” Then, later, I find myself saying, “DO IT!! Why not? Isn’t it just worth the experience?” So here I am again, wondering why I don’t have a say in this thing called Love.
Well, I wrote this poem once. It was called “Love Will Die” and is about the normal progression of a relationship from the moment the eyes meet, through falling in love, watching the new wear off, watching the distance grow, dealing with the issue of not knowing, finally making the end decision, and then dealing with the heartbreak and the hopelessness and the loss, finally ending with the line, “’Cuz love has died without a sound.” This poem made everyone that read it cry. Every single person who ever read it cried. Unfortunately I lost this poem back in Hollywood. It was my pride and joy. After loosing these three books filled with my work, a terrible case of writers block set in, and I didn’t write again for almost three years, and since then, I have not had much of a love life either. Just not something that I was looking for. Combine that with the HIV and I had a recipe for a care free life without the problems that came along with love. Unfortunately, there was this issue of time that I have been having lately, and this move to Atlanta. Ever since I got here, I could feel it waking up again. All these beautiful people, all these beautiful places, and so much of this light. My faith has been tested again, at least for the ways that I usually like testing it (that whole get up off my ass and do something thing…) Now, I don’t know when this test of the heart was agreed to or whatever this is that I am about to go through, but I guess that I am about to go through it, as it seems that I don’t have a say in this thing called Love.
Too many times in my life, I have met those people who make my heart sing and create within me (I’m guessing) the same type of feeling that I create in others. That feeling of loss I see and hear about when people meet me for the first time. The only problem with this is the fact that the affection is being returned this time. While it is under the guise of nothing will happen, something is happening. I can see it, hear it, and the worst part is, that I can feel it. I continually question myself upon the things that I see or hear, or think I see or hear, then soon after I am reminded what absolute faith I have in my abilities to judge opinions. Then comes that little nagging voice. The one that reminds me of a song that I heard at the club one night…one that reinforced something that I had learned the hard way all too many times. The fact that love will make you lie to yourself. So now, I have been thrust into this quandary to the point where I don’t know whether or not to trust my feelings, my intuition, my gut, my heart, my mind…I rather don’t know what to do. That, as I have said many times over, is the worst position that a person could be put in. One where they just don’t know. This is because all that happens now is your imagination runs rampant every time that you have a little too much time to think. God knows I think too much as it is now, imagine what I go through when this little part of me that has been dormant for so long started to wake up, and I had to start going through all this again. Again I ask myself, why I don’t have a say in this thing called Love.
I met this guy who is almost like me. Even being around him, I feel better. Mostly because he actually pays attention to me. The light that I see in his eyes when he smiles creates all the problems that I wrote about in my poem, “Defenses.” The strangely vulnerable feeling because of some “divine inspiration.” I feel so comfortable around him, it scares me. Makes me think of those words that I say only so often. This one’s going to be trouble. I find myself trying to convince myself of the lighter side of this ensuing situation, and then, because of the jaded outlook that I have on life, I fight myself tooth and nail, telling myself of the necessity of letting this go. Then, he comes and curls up next to me while watching a movie. The hugs, the fair skin, the pride, and most importantly, the love. He loves people almost if not just as much as I do. Waking in me this urge to share. This need to be with and be wanted by him. It has not even begun yet, and I can already feel the torture beginning. What do I do now? How do I go about this? How do I make this right with me, or him, or how do I stop feeling this out of the need for survival? It is really starting to piss me off that I don’t seem to have a say in this thing called Love.
I want to open my heart, I want to experience this, I want it to become the most that it ever could, but the signals are continually getting mixed. I don’t know if this is solely me, or both, or not happening at all. How is this supposed to work? Am I being given a choice in the matter? Aunt Karla has told me that I will be meeting someone, and I take her word as the voice of god, but can I rely solely on that to help me make my decision? Is there going to be a sign, or am I looking for something that just is not ever going to be there. Do I keep to myself or reveal this dilemma? Do I or don’t I hope? Why is it that I don’t have a say in this thing called Love? At this point, I just don’t know, and I wish that I did, or even that I could. This thing so untouchable by my abilities by choice of the nature of love. My life doesn’t have to be so real, but the love that I feel does, and the love that I want to feel from someone else absolutely has to be real…but where do I draw the line? What is the defining point between fantasy and reality here? Why don’t I have a say in this thing called Love?
It seems to have a life and an identity of it’s own, and that is what identifies it to me as something that could cause trouble. The fact that I don’t seem to have control over the progression of this. I tell myself no, and it makes it stronger. I tell myself yes and it makes it stronger. I see yes from him and it makes it stronger, and then I see no from him and it makes it stronger. Then the interaction of another party who has recently become involved in some way is making it stronger again. Not jealousy so much as envy…same as every time before. More and more signs from the past experiences in my life that continually point in the direction of no, and the overriding power of my heart with one simple “why not?” What to do, what to do. This thing, it seems, is already developing out of control, or at least my control. It’s already to the point where I am not allowing myself to trust the experience that I have come to rely on so heavily throughout my life. It’s to the point where I can not even trust what I think I see or feel. What to do, what to do, and damn it, why don’t I have a say in this thing called love?